Is rat food covered by your insurance?

OK, Mr. Simms, we have your X-rays back from the lab and I’m pleased to say I have good news. The accident you suffered while juggling on your unicycle drunk, while incredibly stupid, did no severe damage to your brain. You did suffer a grade-one concussion — which is probably nothing new for you — but I see no sign of lesions or traumatic brain injury. And most importantly, your cranial hamster was unhurt.

See, there he is, still chugging away on his hamster wheel. Had he been injured, or even dazed, we might have had to perform an emergency rodentdectomy. That’s a very high-risk procedure and requires a trip to Petco, which isn’t covered by your insurance.

I just hope you appreciate the seriousness of what could have happened. You’re only as good as your hamster, Mr. Simms. You’re a very lucky man. A very stupid, lucky man.

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